Eccles’ Run

I watched a movie a long time ago, “Logan’s Run”. It is still one of my favourites. In the year 2274, young residents enjoy an idyllic, hedonistic lifestyle within the protective confines of a domed city. The general belief is that when each person turns 30, they are reincarnated for another blissful life cycle. The truth though is that noone is ever reincarnated. 
Why do I like this movie? I have these very brief thoughts that I would not mind at all if I just wasn’t here anymore. I feel life life is to long and to difficult. The world of Logan’s Run seems ideal to me. Why do I think like this?

My friends and family know I suffer from quite a deep depression and anxiety and I am on an ongoing medicine/counselling regime to help me “be happy” and not want to kill myself. Well I don’t want to kill myself, but if I lived in a world where the choice to end this life was not my decision I would not be upset.

Over the past 10 years I have had three diagnoses as to what is ailing me; PTSD when my father in law died in my arms after I tried to resuscitate him, a long standing anxiety from my childhood that still haunts me, and a chemical imbalance in my brain. Personally I think all three inflict me. We are battling the chemical imbalance with medication that needs to be approved before I can get a script. The depression, anxiety and PTSD are being handled with counselling.

I have just deleted a paragraph. The paragraph was my thoughts about home life. I am glad I wrote it down, but I promised myself there are some things I would not publish on my blog. Currently only my psychologist and I get to see my private blog posts. One day I may publish them, but not today.

As a quick aside, I would encourage everyone to write stuff down; keep a journal, write a blog be it public,  private or both like mine. Maybe a video blog is more you. Whatever, getting stuff out of your head is a great release (he says with tears rolling down his cheeks).

I.must end this post and get home. In the words of two of my heroes 


A broken man trying to be better,

Eccles

I’m tired, again

A friend sent me a message a couple of days ago. She asked how I was doing. I haven’t responded. I cannot find the energy (I have, however, promised myself that I will send her a message after I finish here). My friend sent another message, not asking anything, just sending kisses and hugs. I smiled but still didn’t respond. I am having trouble talking to people, even friends. There are little spots of brightness however. Those who follow me on twitter will see me have a rush of posts and then I’m quiet again.
eminemI sit here typing with my arms resting  on the table because I cannot lift them; I feel weak in my body. I have not smiled for a few days; my spirit is tired. I am struggling to find words to type; my mind just wants to stop. I feel like I have had enough and could just curl up and sleep forever. Don’t get me wrong, there are no suicidal thoughts, just a wish that things would just stop, end.

eeyoreI’ve been here before, many times, but am finding it hard to shake myself out of this place. I forced myself to go to lunch yesterday with my wife and a very good friend. I came home exhausted and just sat on the lounge and didn’t move for a few hours after that. I feel like Eeyore at the moment, living alone at the bottom of the wood, down, grey. I don’t want anyone around trying to help. I don’t want to eat but can’t stop.

How do I get out of this? I don’t know at the moment. But I will take Dory’s advice and “just keep swimming”.

A tired man,

Eccles

I will now send my friend a message, I promise.

My favourite book

My favourite book of all time (so far) is The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne. I have had the book since 1970, I was 7 at the time. My favourite character from the book changes depending on how I am feeling. I find that I am like many of the characters and all of them.

WinnieSometimes I am Pooh; muddleheaded, philosopher, naive, a great capacity to accept others regardless of their failings, and knows he has some very great friends who love him and support him.

“For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me.”

“Oh bear!” said Christopher Robin. “How I do love you!””So do I,” said Pooh.

“Tigger is all right, really,” said Pooh lazily.
“Of course he is,” said Christopher Robin.
“Everybody is really,” said Pooh. “That’s what I think,” said Pooh. “But I don’t suppose I’m right,” he said.
“Of course you are,” said Christopher Robin.

PigletSometimes I am Piglet; small, scared, afraid of a lot of the world and yet also knows he has great friends, one in particular.

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

“What?” said Piglet, with a jump. And then, to show that he hadn’t been frightened, he jumped up and down once or twice more in an exercising sort of way.

“I think,” said Piglet, when he had licked the tip of his nose too, and found that it brought very little comfort, “I think that I have just remembered something. I have just remembered something that I forgot to do yesterday and shan’t be able to do tomorrow. So I suppose I really ought to go back and do it now.”

eeyoreSometimes I am Eeyore; depressed with everything, down, can’t see anything good, doesn’t want to participate and is sometimes surprised when others want to help him.

“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.
“Why, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

I thought,” said Piglet earnestly, “that if Eeyore stood at the bottom of the tree, and if Pooh stood on Eeyore’s back, and if I stood on Pooh’s shoulders -”
“And if Eeyore’s back snapped suddenly, then we could all laugh. Ha Ha! Amusing in a quiet way,” said Eeyore, “but not really helpful.”

It’s your fault, Eeyore. You’ve never been to see any of us. You just stay here in this one corner of the Forest waiting for the others to come to you. Why don’t you go to THEM sometimes?

A complex man,

Eccles

WinniePigletEeyore

It’s Been Awhile

ItsBeenAWhileSo here I am, with you, and all that shit seems to have disappeared. I am sitting at the computer, the headphones are on and I am listening to It’s Been Awhile by Staind. I quite like this song, I find a lot of myself in it.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything, last October in fact. I’ve been struggling to write anything since then. I’ve started many times but never get past the first few lines. Was chatting to a friend in Melbourne the other day and he said to just sit down and write. So here I am. I may not make much sense as I haven’t thought of anything to write about so, to fit in with my blog title, here are some ramblings of a man just trying to survive and keep himself together.

One of the things I have found over the last year on twitter is that there are many, many people who struggle in a similar way as I do. Each person has their own way of trying to cope. Some have a pet that helps. Some do exercise. I listen to music and write. Some of my writing ends up here. I find it interesting that the choice of music for me does not seem to matter (except polka maybe, I don’t listen to polka). My music tastes are very eclectic; I listen to anything from opera to classical to heavy metal and everything in between (did I mention that I don’t listen to polka?). And when I write the world just seems to disappear and I am here, with you, in the words I write and the songs I am listening to. I should be able to sleep well tonight.

A friend just sent me a text and asked “Why do we pretend to be what we are not?”. I was unable to provide an answer. Her answer “To make everyone else feel happy”. Do we do that? Do I do that? And does that affect me? If I am being honest I am pretending to be someone else to please my family and friends. How does that affect me? Sometimes I struggle to talk. Scared to say things. Things that may hurt. Things that may cause conflict. Things that may have big consequences. So I will keep my mouth shut and continue pretending.

Anyway, it’s past my bedtime, again. So hopefully I will be back again soon.

A rambling man,

Eccles

original

Here I am

Morning coffeeIt has been a while since I have published a post. Why so long? I am okay, in fact I am doing really well and have been for a while now. Yes I have down days but on the whole I have been enjoying life. So why haven’t I published a post? I have sat down many times and started but found myself staring at the keyboard and couldn’t get any inspiration to finish a post. Now that the warmer weather is here I am down at my favourite cafe writing again.

So what’s been happening? I’m back at work full time and loving it. The work is just the right amount and the hours at the moment are normal. I wake up and enjoy going to work as I know I will be challenged, but I know I will also be able to solve the problems presented to me. I am starting to get to the gym (semi) regularly. I booked a session with a personal trainer and he has drawn up a plan for me that I am able to follow on my own. That is happening 3 times a week at the moment. And by the way, I hate squats. Have been to see my endocrinologist and everything is going well with my diabetes. Apparently I should be having eye problems by now having been a diabetic for 39 years but my eyes are still fine (yay).

My psychologist and I are trying something a bit different with me at the moment. We are concentrating on my social phobia at the moment (only because I haven’t told her about my secret life).This is what I struggle with the most on a daily basis. So, w are trying a plan to get me out on my own, without family or friends to hide behind. It has been very rare in my life that I have been on my own in social situations. I started this experiment by venturing into the Canberra night life one night.went to a club that is also a whisky bar. it is amazing how little I actually know about whisky. Anyway after a few hours I found myself in Fyshwick at a new establishment there called Red Door Canberra. This massage parlour is a fabulous place to find relaxation and to unwind. I have been twice now and the ladies have made me feel welcome and totally relaxed.

I am planning my next solo adventure. Another trip to Melbourne. I am planning to stay for 3 nights this time starting Sun 8 Nov. If I fly up early enough I might spend the day at Sexpo (Sunday is the last day). (Oh look, I’ve turned into an advertising site.) Anyone in Melbourne want to join me for the day? I am also hoping to catch up with friends while I am there, some I have met before, some I haven’t. I do so hope the planning comes off and I can get to Melbourne. I am doing some adjusting of finances to see if I can pull this off.

Well look at that; 500+ words. I think that is all for this post, will post again soon. I am excited for the next two weeks (hehe, and that will stay just as it is) and am excited hoping I can manage to get to Melbourne.

An excited man,

Eccles

Be happy

Meeting new people

Someone I admire greatly, and hope to one day call a friend, has recently been tweeting about meeting new people in social environments. Like me she is extremely introverted and has asked for people to share strategies for

making new friends / meeting new people in your personal lives. Particularly those of you who are huge introverts (like me) trying to be quiet & observant in this loud and overwhelming extroverted world!

First up, I think her description of the world is exactly right for those of us who are introverted. We get intimidated by the “noise” of what appears to be an extremely extroverted world. Everything we see nowadays tells us that the world is “all about me” and that I need to look after me first. This does not always fit in with the thinking of an introvert. We want to just to wander through the world, and for the most part, not being noticed. However, everybody needs friendship. We are beings that require relationships with others. So how do we achieve this.

I too, like my friend find it extremely hard to meet new people. Those of you who know me will understand that I will think the worst is going to happen in any given situation, especially social ones. I am petrified of looking like a fool. However, when I actually get around to meeting new people nothing bad really happens. I do sometimes say absolutely stupid things and yes, sometimes people do laugh. But I have come to realise that they are not laughing at me, but are trying to ease the situation.

I have been visiting a psychologist (again) for many months now and for me with my extreme social phobia there is no magic cure for meeting new people. There are some strategies to make it a little bit easier, but really the best strategy is practice. So what have I been doing? I have been deliberately putting myself into situations where I have to interact with new people. Scariest thing ever for me. But after the initial few minutes and introduction I tend to settle down and the interaction gets easier. I still have to excuse myself after about half an hour to calm down a bit. But its the knowing that these people are mostly just like me, sometimes scared as well, that helps to continue to meet new people.

I hope this little bit of personal experience helps others who are finding it tough. It is not easy, it is tough, but it is short term. And it is far better than not meeting other people.

A scared man,

Eccles

Social phobia, anxiety and me

Social PhobiaSo I am sitting at my favourite side-walk cafe with lots of other people. I see some friends a few tables away with a spare seat. And yet I choose to sit alone. I don’t even acknowledge their existence. What sort of friend am I? According to my psychologist I am still a friend. Will they talk to me another time? Yes they will. Will they hate me? No. So I choose the path of feeling guilty for the afternoon rather than sit and chat with friends. Am I crazy? Maybe.

There is a very good chance that in the next few months I will be meeting some guys that have become good friends that I have never met. This is one of the benefits of social media. You can meet people and get to know them (a bit) without ever having to meet them. My friends, don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to meeting you, it just scares the hell out of me. There are some ladies out there who know just how nervous and scared I get on a first meeting. In fact the first time I met one lady we talked for a full hour and a half before I was brave enough to ask if I could touch her. This is what social phobia and anxiety does to me.

I have heard people say anxiety can be debilitating. Let me tell you folks, sometimes you cannot speak, move, you get physically ill, your body shakes and there is nothing you can do to stop it. For me I need to remove myself from the world and escape into myself. Last time I sat right in the seat I am now for 3 hours before I could go back to work. It scares me sometimes. But I have friends near me who know what to look for in me. They understand what needs to be done for me, they may not understand why it is happening, but that’s not important for them.

So, I’ve finished my coffee and have done the grocery shopping and now I have time to finish this off.

While grocery shopping I ran into another friend I haven’t seen for at least 5 years. I’m standing in the middle of an aisle and, boom, there she is bearing down on me. I have no where to run, I am going to have to talk to her. Well 45 minutes later we go on our way. Again, that is what social phobia and anxiety does to me. I panic but it all turns out okay. We will probably have coffee on Thursday afternoon to catch up properly. Although I did find out that she, like me, has left the faith as well.

So what can I do about it. Basically I just have to practice. So I will see my friends if and when they visit my town. I will see my Christian friend on Thursday morning (that’s a whole other blog post). I will meet with my supermarket friend on Thursday afternoon for a good long catch up.

A scared and anxious man,

Eccles