A new experience

o-bondage-facebookI promised on twitter that I would write about a recent experience that was totally new for me. Well it’s taken a couple of weeks but I here I go.

If you have read previous posts you will know that I am now 1 year into a time of change for me. I have turned from the christian faith and have met some fabulous women that are introducing me to a world of sensuality I didn’t know existed. Or if I acknowledged that this world existed christianity told me it was bad. (I am deliberately using lower case when talking about christianity.) Last year was a year of huge change for me, this year I am still changing but this year I am focussing on what I think is a rebellion in me to the 30+ years of christianity.

This year I am investigating the world of sensual bondage. And a couple of weeks ago I received a pleasant introduction to that world. Let me explain why I am delving into this world.

I have pondered my life, both past and present, over the last year. I have written about different forms of oppression I have felt in my life; family, church, marriage, illness… I am trying to relieve myself of some of these. Last year I got rid of the church/religion oppression in my life. There is still a bit of conflict inside me, but I know where I am now and where I am going. Some illness I cannot do anything about, my Type 1 Diabetes for example. However, I always felt that having to wear a bracelet or necklace was being forced upon me (seems trivial I know). But I got rid of that and I now have a tattoo on my forearm which serves the same purpose as the medical bracelet. I love my tattoo.

Marriage however, that’s another story. My wife and I are in to our 30th year of marriage. Some would applaud that, some not. I do and do not applaud it. Yes there are times when being married has been the greatest experience. There are more times when it has not. In my marriage I have lost myself. I am now at a stage that I do not do anything without thinking how my wife will react. It is very oppressive and mind numbingly exhausting.

What does this have to do with bondage? I am going to be so open with you here and this may change the way some think of me. The bondage gives me a way to be oppressed and still know I will experience great sex. If that sounds freaky or crazy, so be it (yes I do see a psychologist).

So I have had my first (very light) bondage session with a wonderful sex worker who took it nice and easy on me. I, not knowing what was going to happen, was not able to properly explain to her what I was looking for. So, even though I had a fabulous time there were things that I would not be doing again. We ventured off into a bit of humiliation; that was not for me. I think because of my lack of communication up front we were having more of a submission session than a bondage session. But now I know.

Things I have learnt:

  • It would be better to do this with someone you know and are comfortable with. I made the mistake of meeting with a lady I had never met before and so neither of us knew how the other would react to certain things and I do believe we were both very nervous.
  • Do some research and have an idea of what you are looking for. This will help both yourself and the sex worker prepare for the session.
  • Make sure you know the difference between bondage, submission and dominance. They are very different things.

I think this is getting long enough. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this lady and we had a great chat afterwards about the session and how we felt. I do believe I am going to enjoy this new part of my secret life.

A bound man,

Eccles

Social phobia, anxiety and me

Social PhobiaSo I am sitting at my favourite side-walk cafe with lots of other people. I see some friends a few tables away with a spare seat. And yet I choose to sit alone. I don’t even acknowledge their existence. What sort of friend am I? According to my psychologist I am still a friend. Will they talk to me another time? Yes they will. Will they hate me? No. So I choose the path of feeling guilty for the afternoon rather than sit and chat with friends. Am I crazy? Maybe.

There is a very good chance that in the next few months I will be meeting some guys that have become good friends that I have never met. This is one of the benefits of social media. You can meet people and get to know them (a bit) without ever having to meet them. My friends, don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to meeting you, it just scares the hell out of me. There are some ladies out there who know just how nervous and scared I get on a first meeting. In fact the first time I met one lady we talked for a full hour and a half before I was brave enough to ask if I could touch her. This is what social phobia and anxiety does to me.

I have heard people say anxiety can be debilitating. Let me tell you folks, sometimes you cannot speak, move, you get physically ill, your body shakes and there is nothing you can do to stop it. For me I need to remove myself from the world and escape into myself. Last time I sat right in the seat I am now for 3 hours before I could go back to work. It scares me sometimes. But I have friends near me who know what to look for in me. They understand what needs to be done for me, they may not understand why it is happening, but that’s not important for them.

So, I’ve finished my coffee and have done the grocery shopping and now I have time to finish this off.

While grocery shopping I ran into another friend I haven’t seen for at least 5 years. I’m standing in the middle of an aisle and, boom, there she is bearing down on me. I have no where to run, I am going to have to talk to her. Well 45 minutes later we go on our way. Again, that is what social phobia and anxiety does to me. I panic but it all turns out okay. We will probably have coffee on Thursday afternoon to catch up properly. Although I did find out that she, like me, has left the faith as well.

So what can I do about it. Basically I just have to practice. So I will see my friends if and when they visit my town. I will see my Christian friend on Thursday morning (that’s a whole other blog post). I will meet with my supermarket friend on Thursday afternoon for a good long catch up.

A scared and anxious man,

Eccles

My secret life

Leonard Cohen in my secret life
Leonard Cohen in my secret life

I consider myself to be a decent enough man. Others may not call me decent after reading this blog post. I am married and have two adult children. I have a good job and I like to think I am kind to those I interact with. I have a lot of friends who care about me. Up until this year I had been a practising Christian for over 30 years. I had a comfortable but troubled life.

That all changed last November. My brain and body stopped operating (again) in what most people would call a normal manner. I had a bit of a breakdown. Since then I have been learning about myself; what caused the meltdown, how I am feeling, what can I do to continue on with life. There are no easy answers to any of these questions but progress has been made. For instance, I am back at work and have managed to work my way back to working 4 days a week. In two months I go back full time.

I now know that I am not a Christian. This has disappointed a number of my friends. One in particular. I told him yesterday morning. He and I, and a few others, meet for breakfast every Friday. We chat, joke, help each other with life problems, and read the Bible. I made him cry. But I could not be truthful to him or me and not tell him. We have been having breakfast together for 20 years and I hope it continues for another 20.

Since last December I have once again been seeing a psychologist, weekly to start with, then fortnightly and now I we meet once a month. These have been the best sessions for me. I have found out a lot about myself, some of my issues (I am sure there are more) and we have figured out some plans on how to deal with life issues. Some issues can be helped with medication. Some you just have to face, like my social phobia. No magic cure, just take little easy steps and practice.

One of my issues has led to what I will call my “secret” life. There are quite a few people I have met in this secret life. Some have became good friends. A lot I respect greatly. I have learnt a lot about myself and others from this life as well. I am brave enough to admit that I was a hypocrite and I was able to lie to myself very convincingly. I can’t believe some of the things I used to think and sometimes say about other people.

I have one friend in my non-secret life who knows about my secret. I am sorry to say that I don’t think that many of my other friends would understand what my secret life means to me and that it helps me get through life. In my secret life I would be called a “punter” or a “john”, terms I don’t like. Personally I like the term “client”. To be frank about it, I have paid private escorts to spend time with me, sometimes very intimate times, sometimes not. I started my previous blog post, My public life, as follows

Last night I spent a number of very enjoyable hours with absolutely gorgeous lady. We enjoyed a meal, we drank, we talked, we did other things. I can’t remember ever feeling so at ease and relaxed in my life.

This was the third time we have spent time together and we plan to spend more time together. There are also two other ladies I see regularly, as time and money permits.

I have found these ladies to be some of the most understanding people I have ever met. They may not know it but they have helped me a great deal. A lot of my increase in self esteem I owe to them.

This time it has taken me 8 months to get to where I am now able to start coping again. There have been some major changes in my life – for the better as far as I am concerned. I’m still not fully there but have come a long way.

Ladies, you know who you are. If you read this, thank you. I am glad to know you and be part of your world and that you are part of mine.

Man, when I start I just keep going.

A secret man,

Eccles

Leonard Cohen in my secret life