Eccles’ Run

I watched a movie a long time ago, “Logan’s Run”. It is still one of my favourites. In the year 2274, young residents enjoy an idyllic, hedonistic lifestyle within the protective confines of a domed city. The general belief is that when each person turns 30, they are reincarnated for another blissful life cycle. The truth though is that noone is ever reincarnated. 
Why do I like this movie? I have these very brief thoughts that I would not mind at all if I just wasn’t here anymore. I feel life life is to long and to difficult. The world of Logan’s Run seems ideal to me. Why do I think like this?

My friends and family know I suffer from quite a deep depression and anxiety and I am on an ongoing medicine/counselling regime to help me “be happy” and not want to kill myself. Well I don’t want to kill myself, but if I lived in a world where the choice to end this life was not my decision I would not be upset.

Over the past 10 years I have had three diagnoses as to what is ailing me; PTSD when my father in law died in my arms after I tried to resuscitate him, a long standing anxiety from my childhood that still haunts me, and a chemical imbalance in my brain. Personally I think all three inflict me. We are battling the chemical imbalance with medication that needs to be approved before I can get a script. The depression, anxiety and PTSD are being handled with counselling.

I have just deleted a paragraph. The paragraph was my thoughts about home life. I am glad I wrote it down, but I promised myself there are some things I would not publish on my blog. Currently only my psychologist and I get to see my private blog posts. One day I may publish them, but not today.

As a quick aside, I would encourage everyone to write stuff down; keep a journal, write a blog be it public,  private or both like mine. Maybe a video blog is more you. Whatever, getting stuff out of your head is a great release (he says with tears rolling down his cheeks).

I.must end this post and get home. In the words of two of my heroes 


A broken man trying to be better,

Eccles

I’m tired, again

A friend sent me a message a couple of days ago. She asked how I was doing. I haven’t responded. I cannot find the energy (I have, however, promised myself that I will send her a message after I finish here). My friend sent another message, not asking anything, just sending kisses and hugs. I smiled but still didn’t respond. I am having trouble talking to people, even friends. There are little spots of brightness however. Those who follow me on twitter will see me have a rush of posts and then I’m quiet again.
eminemI sit here typing with my arms resting  on the table because I cannot lift them; I feel weak in my body. I have not smiled for a few days; my spirit is tired. I am struggling to find words to type; my mind just wants to stop. I feel like I have had enough and could just curl up and sleep forever. Don’t get me wrong, there are no suicidal thoughts, just a wish that things would just stop, end.

eeyoreI’ve been here before, many times, but am finding it hard to shake myself out of this place. I forced myself to go to lunch yesterday with my wife and a very good friend. I came home exhausted and just sat on the lounge and didn’t move for a few hours after that. I feel like Eeyore at the moment, living alone at the bottom of the wood, down, grey. I don’t want anyone around trying to help. I don’t want to eat but can’t stop.

How do I get out of this? I don’t know at the moment. But I will take Dory’s advice and “just keep swimming”.

A tired man,

Eccles

I will now send my friend a message, I promise.

Out on my own

I’m out on my own this Sunday afternoon. The family is home; they are not well. So I am out doing the shopping. But of course I have stopped by the coffee shop for a few minutes of calmness. I look around to see what is happening in this tiny corner of the world.

There is a single man at the table in front. It was presumptuous of me to assume he is single, I based that solely on the fact he has no wedding ring on. What is he doing here by himself.  Is he like me looking for a bit of calm from his life? His interactions with his phone tell me he is on social media. He is readily g posts and every now and then types a comment or reply.

A family is at the other end of the marquee. Dad reads a newspaper while mum and daughter are busy typing on their phones.

A couple just a little bit older than me are sitting side by side, talking, smiling, holding hands while drinking coffee.

A very young couple, late teens, are in the corner. They are nervous while they chat. Is this a first date? Will this blossom into romance and a long relationship? Maybe they will be back here in later years holding hands, smiling and talking.

The baristas are behind the coffee machine. They finally have a break from coffee making. They stand and talk. I wonder what they talk about. It has been a.long week for them. I have seen them here the last seven days. But their break is quickly interrupted as more coffee needs to be artfully created.

My coffee is finished. Should I go back to the other world where I am a husband and a dad? Yes, yes I will.

My favourite book

My favourite book of all time (so far) is The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne. I have had the book since 1970, I was 7 at the time. My favourite character from the book changes depending on how I am feeling. I find that I am like many of the characters and all of them.

WinnieSometimes I am Pooh; muddleheaded, philosopher, naive, a great capacity to accept others regardless of their failings, and knows he has some very great friends who love him and support him.

“For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me.”

“Oh bear!” said Christopher Robin. “How I do love you!””So do I,” said Pooh.

“Tigger is all right, really,” said Pooh lazily.
“Of course he is,” said Christopher Robin.
“Everybody is really,” said Pooh. “That’s what I think,” said Pooh. “But I don’t suppose I’m right,” he said.
“Of course you are,” said Christopher Robin.

PigletSometimes I am Piglet; small, scared, afraid of a lot of the world and yet also knows he has great friends, one in particular.

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

“What?” said Piglet, with a jump. And then, to show that he hadn’t been frightened, he jumped up and down once or twice more in an exercising sort of way.

“I think,” said Piglet, when he had licked the tip of his nose too, and found that it brought very little comfort, “I think that I have just remembered something. I have just remembered something that I forgot to do yesterday and shan’t be able to do tomorrow. So I suppose I really ought to go back and do it now.”

eeyoreSometimes I am Eeyore; depressed with everything, down, can’t see anything good, doesn’t want to participate and is sometimes surprised when others want to help him.

“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.
“Why, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

I thought,” said Piglet earnestly, “that if Eeyore stood at the bottom of the tree, and if Pooh stood on Eeyore’s back, and if I stood on Pooh’s shoulders -”
“And if Eeyore’s back snapped suddenly, then we could all laugh. Ha Ha! Amusing in a quiet way,” said Eeyore, “but not really helpful.”

It’s your fault, Eeyore. You’ve never been to see any of us. You just stay here in this one corner of the Forest waiting for the others to come to you. Why don’t you go to THEM sometimes?

A complex man,

Eccles

WinniePigletEeyore

Sometimes there is no warning

No WarningTrigger warning: this post contains text from a twitter post that was a trigger point for me. Please be careful if you reading this.

My blog, my views, my thoughts, my ramblings, nobody else’s. I may upset some readers with my posts, and that’s okay because we are all entitled to our own opinions. However, nobody is entitled to force their opinion onto  anybody else. Nobody is entitled to hurt others by using assumptions about that person. I saw this happening today on social media. It’s not the first time this has happened. It won’t be the last time. So, why am I writing about this now?

First I ask you to consider the following. Sometimes my posts are long so please make sure you read the whole post, in context, before making any assumptions (there’s that word again) or making any comments.

Social media, in this case Twitter, can be dark, ugly, deadly and in my case triggering. Social media can also be bright, beautiful, life uplifting and also in my case a place to find healing. I am always amazed that I can find healing in the place that cam bring me down.

I say social media in the paragraph above but it isn’t social media that has these characteristics. It can’t be. Social media is just a platform for people to use. And use it they do. For some reason people feel a need to attack others and bring them down.

I was following a thread today where a male twitter user felt it was his duty to attack a female sex worker and her chosen career online. And even though he said he didn’t use assumptions in his arguments he proceeded to make all sorts of assumptions about the lady that he could not know to be fact or otherwise.

Then came the two posts that had a profound triggering affect on me. He said that maybe the lady had a mental illnes and that was what was causing a number of her problems. Three posts later, and I quote, “Try not to cut to deep later when shaking off the rage you’re in.”

Sometimes there is no warning…

Yes I have a mental illness that I battle with every day. Yes I have had a problem with self harming. I thought I was coping with my past (and present) illnes. But bam, those posts just broadsided me. I had to stop reading and unfortunately I misread a post from another person that at the time of reading seemed to be agreeing with the original poster. I posted a reply. I am lucky that the person I replied to was level headed and reasonable and we sorted my misunderstanding out quickly; if you are willing it is possible and easy to have congenial and rigourous discussions without having to resort to insults.

I had thoughts all afternoon for the lady who was being assaulted by this man. I do not know how she reacted to the abuse, I hope she is okay. It is not acceptable for this to happen to anyone. I did report this person, as did others, to Twitter for this targetted abuse. It seems trivial but I can only hope that he may realise what he was doing and learn to be a better person.

What happened to me? I was disgusted and offended at the trivialisation of mental illness and self harming. These are things that destroy many lives every day, and all to often can lead to the end of life. This sent me into an episode I am lucky that I have many friends on twitter who actually care about other people. All it took for me was to post that I was not doing well and I had four friends who were online at the time checking on me, one who was willing to have a lengthy chat.

It has taken me a long time to be comfortable accepting help or asking for help. I encourage others who battle as I do to reach out to your friends. They care and they do not mind and they do not judge.

Today I found both darkness and healing using twitter.

A broken man,

Eccles

BeKind

 

A new experience

o-bondage-facebookI promised on twitter that I would write about a recent experience that was totally new for me. Well it’s taken a couple of weeks but I here I go.

If you have read previous posts you will know that I am now 1 year into a time of change for me. I have turned from the christian faith and have met some fabulous women that are introducing me to a world of sensuality I didn’t know existed. Or if I acknowledged that this world existed christianity told me it was bad. (I am deliberately using lower case when talking about christianity.) Last year was a year of huge change for me, this year I am still changing but this year I am focussing on what I think is a rebellion in me to the 30+ years of christianity.

This year I am investigating the world of sensual bondage. And a couple of weeks ago I received a pleasant introduction to that world. Let me explain why I am delving into this world.

I have pondered my life, both past and present, over the last year. I have written about different forms of oppression I have felt in my life; family, church, marriage, illness… I am trying to relieve myself of some of these. Last year I got rid of the church/religion oppression in my life. There is still a bit of conflict inside me, but I know where I am now and where I am going. Some illness I cannot do anything about, my Type 1 Diabetes for example. However, I always felt that having to wear a bracelet or necklace was being forced upon me (seems trivial I know). But I got rid of that and I now have a tattoo on my forearm which serves the same purpose as the medical bracelet. I love my tattoo.

Marriage however, that’s another story. My wife and I are in to our 30th year of marriage. Some would applaud that, some not. I do and do not applaud it. Yes there are times when being married has been the greatest experience. There are more times when it has not. In my marriage I have lost myself. I am now at a stage that I do not do anything without thinking how my wife will react. It is very oppressive and mind numbingly exhausting.

What does this have to do with bondage? I am going to be so open with you here and this may change the way some think of me. The bondage gives me a way to be oppressed and still know I will experience great sex. If that sounds freaky or crazy, so be it (yes I do see a psychologist).

So I have had my first (very light) bondage session with a wonderful sex worker who took it nice and easy on me. I, not knowing what was going to happen, was not able to properly explain to her what I was looking for. So, even though I had a fabulous time there were things that I would not be doing again. We ventured off into a bit of humiliation; that was not for me. I think because of my lack of communication up front we were having more of a submission session than a bondage session. But now I know.

Things I have learnt:

  • It would be better to do this with someone you know and are comfortable with. I made the mistake of meeting with a lady I had never met before and so neither of us knew how the other would react to certain things and I do believe we were both very nervous.
  • Do some research and have an idea of what you are looking for. This will help both yourself and the sex worker prepare for the session.
  • Make sure you know the difference between bondage, submission and dominance. They are very different things.

I think this is getting long enough. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this lady and we had a great chat afterwards about the session and how we felt. I do believe I am going to enjoy this new part of my secret life.

A bound man,

Eccles

It’s Been Awhile

ItsBeenAWhileSo here I am, with you, and all that shit seems to have disappeared. I am sitting at the computer, the headphones are on and I am listening to It’s Been Awhile by Staind. I quite like this song, I find a lot of myself in it.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything, last October in fact. I’ve been struggling to write anything since then. I’ve started many times but never get past the first few lines. Was chatting to a friend in Melbourne the other day and he said to just sit down and write. So here I am. I may not make much sense as I haven’t thought of anything to write about so, to fit in with my blog title, here are some ramblings of a man just trying to survive and keep himself together.

One of the things I have found over the last year on twitter is that there are many, many people who struggle in a similar way as I do. Each person has their own way of trying to cope. Some have a pet that helps. Some do exercise. I listen to music and write. Some of my writing ends up here. I find it interesting that the choice of music for me does not seem to matter (except polka maybe, I don’t listen to polka). My music tastes are very eclectic; I listen to anything from opera to classical to heavy metal and everything in between (did I mention that I don’t listen to polka?). And when I write the world just seems to disappear and I am here, with you, in the words I write and the songs I am listening to. I should be able to sleep well tonight.

A friend just sent me a text and asked “Why do we pretend to be what we are not?”. I was unable to provide an answer. Her answer “To make everyone else feel happy”. Do we do that? Do I do that? And does that affect me? If I am being honest I am pretending to be someone else to please my family and friends. How does that affect me? Sometimes I struggle to talk. Scared to say things. Things that may hurt. Things that may cause conflict. Things that may have big consequences. So I will keep my mouth shut and continue pretending.

Anyway, it’s past my bedtime, again. So hopefully I will be back again soon.

A rambling man,

Eccles

original